Occasionally I’ll play around with drabbles, exactly 100 word stories. They may not be that great, and are often little more than daft jokes, but the puzzle of getting them to be exactly 100 words, no more, no less, (titles not included)can be a lot of fun.
Most of them have been produced for the Glasgow Satellite conventions, but one was requested to hang on the wall of my wife’s office. Baffling, if nice.
Operation Transmogrification,
Verbal Division
“Jings, man, ah’ve never heard such wrang heided dafty speak in aw ma
days. Ye’ll no change the wiy ah tolk wi yon mad, mental thingummy boab.
Ah’m shoacked ye can even siy it wi oot gettin a total riddy oan.” The
scientist’s smile beamed from his face as he turned to his grinning assistant.
“Mark this one up as a success please, Gerald. Would you be so kind as to
escort Mr. Chomondley-Smythe into the waiting room and give him
something to read. And remember, verbal checks every fifteen minutes to
ascertain the full duration of the Scottification Ray.”
Case 14: Giant Bee Army
Incorporated
The judge leaned forward and gave the scientist a hard stare that would
have impressed Paddington Bear. “Doctor Rotstein, you have shown a
cavalier disregard for the laws of man, physics and nature. Unfortunately I
can only sentence you for the human laws you have broken which, as you
are guilty of a noise abatement charge, are sadly quite minor. I hereby ban
you from ever owning bees, from allowing livestock to explosively breed at
anything over 50 decibels on your property and from enlarging any animal
by unnatural means. And no, I don’t want your oddly glowing honey.”
Atomoman vs. Physics
Climbing out the van marked ‘Council Supers Clean Up Crew’ Daniel looked
behind the policeman guarding the incident tape and whistled.
“Supers are impressive but how did one get that plane to stop on its nose
just here and not topple over?”
The policeman coughed. “Turns out Atomoman has a strong grip, even in
death.”
“Death? Atomoman’s supposed to be immortal.”
“True, but due to him not taking the conservation of momentum or energy
into consideration he is now his normal width but only microns high. Best
you think of him as dead when you hose him off the street.”
And here is the Sphere Forecast
The sphere will land in Skye this evening. Its highly efficient repulsor fields,
that would otherwise be a wonder of the modern Space Age, will cause the
sphere to bounce back into orbit but the transfer of energy from the
sphere’s plogiston-powered beams will destroy the entire island. The
population have been evacuated and assigned a claim number in the
government’s Whizz Bang Oops Science Compensation Scheme.
Anyone who wishes to admire the glorious red sky the pulverised island dust
will create should look west at approximately seven fifteen.
And now, back to the Whizz Bang Yay Science Hour.
A research supervisor speaks
“Well lad, I can’t fault you for trying an interesting experiment but you’ve
broken the system again. It was bad enough when you let it all get out of
hand with all those giant bitey lizard things but this time, the place a-swarm
with hairless apes ransacking and destroying the very things they need to
live. It’s just a mess now and there is nothing for it but to reset to factory
defaults. Rescue anything you particularly like, some of the flowers would be
worth another go, and then I’ll order in the asteroids to wipe it clean once
more.”
Renewables Grant Application
This application is to fund investigation into the major question in science
today, what is the best fuel to replace gas when heating our homes. Much
study has been done into heat pumps, batteries and renewable energy but
we believe there is one major source not yet tapped.
As such we are applying to cover the costs incurred in gaffa taping a puce
coloured gentleman of advanced years and right leaning politics to a standard
domestic boiler and supplying him with sufficient populist click bait about
‘Millennials’ to generate a steady temperature.
We expect financial savings of avocado toast proportions.
Review the list first
The scientist, all wild hair and nervous tics, whipped off the sheet. “Behold,
my annoyance remover. I have let it scan my brain for a list of things that
annoy me and it will now remove those that fit the parameters from the
entire universe.” He grabbed the lever and pulled.
Over the next five minutes the audience watched in shock as first the
scientist’s hair, then his messy clothes and finally his entire person faded from
existence. Sadly they didn’t tell anyone about it as the machine moved on to
‘other bloody scientists who needed taking down a peg’
Happy Birthday, Mr. Kneale
From the forests, the roads and the stones they come. The Martian, the
Witch and the Rat. Called to the ancient stone circle by forces they cannot
comprehend, they meet the Yeti, the Woman in Black and Big Brother. Rocket
scientists, rebellious youths, bikers and refugees drift in and out of the
shadows. Ancient evils lurk and the audience watch on, living vicariously
through the misfortunes of others. All called by the will of their great creator
they gather to celebrate the anniversary while above them all he sits, hands
manipulating them all like an alien creature in Westminster Abbey.
Biscuit Dispensary in a time of
war
“By God, you can’t expect our troops to survive without proper supplies.
Something must be done!”
“I agree, but would ammunition not be more useful?”
“It’s a question of priorities. We all know what that Frenchman said about
armies and stomachs. Our boys need their Custard Creams or there will be a
mutiny. And, by Jove, I would support them.”
“Right, much as it pains me, I will approve the manufacture of Doctor
Kipling’s Automated Biscuitry Dispensing Trebuchet but if that fortress falls I
will expect your resignation on my desk, General.”
“Have no fear, Prime Minister, victory is assured.”
On following a white rabbit
Alice followed the extraordinary rabbit as it bounded along, occasionally
stopping to consult its pocket watch.
“Where could it be going?” she wondered “And why in such a startling
fashion? That red waistcoat clashes terribly with the tartan trews.”
Alice should have been less of a curious girl and paid more attention to her
surroundings. It was not until too late that she realised it was not leading her
to a cosy burrow in the side of a hill but rather to the laboratory that had
created it and where they were now moving on to human trials.
Poor Alice.
To hang in a green room
The landscape sweeps majestically down cliffs, hills and glens while birds soar and water gushes over falls and round boulders. The beauty of the world gleams under cloud scudded skies.
Below, the crafters in their cottages and sheds pause for a nice cup of tea and a planning think. They look upon their skills, both modern and ancient, and contemplate the simple glories of creation. Hands holding mugs droop, biscuit crumbs falling to cluttered benches. Thoughts drift as planning fades to gentle slumber and bees gently buzz past, bonking on windows and snuffling in colourful flowers. Creative artistry peacefully reigns.
An early experiment in Dragon Repelling Technologies.
“Doctor Pliny, will this work?”
The scientist nodded. “Yes, if we are to ensure that we can get their natural enemy as close as possible, trebuchets are essential. Dragons evolved to fly constantly because of how dangerous their natural enemy is to them”
“But to launch such a creature into the sky, surely there must be an easier way?”
“If we wish to survive this onslaught, we must get the elephants as close as possible.”
“Very well, but, due to concerns back at HQ, I’ve been asked to restrict the budget. I’m afraid you’ll have to do without the parachutes.”
The final experiment of Rome’s great encyclopedia salesman
Pliny the Elder, pillow tied tight to his head, looked upon the fire spewing from the mountain and the destruction being wrought upon Pompeii. The moment for his greatest experiment had come. He had pulled in every favour he could from the Emperor and all was prepared.
He watched the great lizard crawl from the fires and turned to his assistants.
“It’s time for proof of the eastern sciences. This great dragon’s natural enemy shall save us all. Release the elephants!”
History does not record how many times he was stood on as the pachyderms stampeded in the opposite direction.
Over-reliance on Universal Translators in Starfleet and the consequences on the moral compass
The code changes were introduced on a weekly basis and the ship’s internal sensors were used to record crew interactions. Each conversation was rated for successful communication as well as awareness by the participants of the changes.
There was minimal conscious appreciation of the translation changes but subconsciously the attitudes of the subjects did alter in an unexpected manner.
As an experiment this has generated much interesting data but, due to a glitch in the introduced code changes, we can only apologise for the inability of the now renamed USS Black Pig and her crew to stop talking like pirates.